Unlearning the complexity of shame

Good day, my love bugs.

We must not be afraid to talk about our experiences however we also need to set ourselves free from the shame that comes with it. I have always been a 'smart' kid and I lived by academic validation. It was what pleased my family, and teachers and it became what I was known for. Fast forward to me being in university and failing a module in my first year. What a humbling experience that was it took a blow to my self-esteem and for the first time in my life my family saw me as human. They were not pleased with my failing but what that experience did for me was to show them that I too struggle and I am not perfect.

Life does not always go as planned and at times we make mistakes. You can grow from mistakes and move past them but what if everyone is still seeing you as your mistake? Well, in the great words of Gugulethu Nyatsumba a YouTuber and host of the podcast After School Is After School “If someone is wanting to keep you at a certain place that’s because it how much of you they are willing to acknowledge and see.” Therefore elucidating the impression that it is the version of you they are willing to acknowledge.

According to Verywellmind, there are different types of shame. There is internalized shame that has been turned inward, for example experiencing childhood abuse and

experiencing a feeling of being unworthy.

Toxic shame speaks more to feeling like something is inherently wrong with you for example, presenting a perfect outer self to hide how you feel inside, and in the words of urban poet Kendrick Lamar "A mask won't hide who you are inside." Chronic shame is a type of shame that stays with you all the time and makes you feel as though you are not good enough. Failure is also a type of shame it is feeling defeat and experiencing loss. I often wonder if I had opened up to my friends or peers how better it would have made me feel or the kind of help I would have received.

Don't be like me and try to conceal shame such as trying to make yourself feel small, trying to avoid being the center of attention, not sharing your thoughts and feelings, or downplaying your accomplishments. Even on your worst day, you deserve kindness, grace, and compassion. Aim for acceptance look at your beliefs and attitudes about yourself, and accept your new reality. You are as human as human can be and you are doing what most people are afraid to do which is to accept that they have made mistakes in the past.

Till next time, Cheers!

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